untitled, 2021.

For months, I have kept a lot. Most of the time, I’m lost for words, but I tried to draft and summarize it here.

photo by beatrix vidanes

I.
To say that I hate this year is an understatement. You see, I have lost count of the times that I asked myself why things just don’t go my way this year. Every time I try to make things better for me, it seems like the world is pulling back all the good stuff and starts pouring me with heavy baggage that only piles up until I can no longer carry them. Every time I get a single glimpse of hope, I would get excited. And then suddenly, it’s no longer visible to me. It’s like a trick that that universe is making me play. It’s making me reach out for the train but when I’m almost there, it’s about to keep going until I can no longer see it with my eyes.

So, I have memorized the darkness. I have chanted my cries in my head at night like songs on my on-repeat playlist. I no longer lie to myself and pretend that I was okay, because it has been exhausting, orbiting in situations like this without even seeing a glimpse of stars or even a light that could let me out of this cycle.

II.
With that, I decided not to care anymore. It didn’t feel sad upon seeing people online having the time of their lives. It didn’t matter that I was feeling not enough. It didn’t matter I got rejected almost ten times. It didn’t matter that my chest feels as if it’s about to explode at any time of the day upon feeling anxious. It didn’t matter that I did nothing during the day, and question myself at night. It didn’t matter that I’m disappointing people… and myself. I’ve become immune in feeling nonchalant.

I have accepted how my life goes: to exist and to float. I feel like I have been floating for the past couple of months. Existing because I need to exist. I allowed myself to be carried by the waves of life, not minding what direction it leads me even when most of the time I feel like I wasn’t even moving.

And so, I continued to exist, and float. And wait.

III.
But waiting is the most excruciating part. Sometimes I feel like I’m only waiting for nothing. Sometimes I’m waiting for the waiting to finally end along with the sadness I feel.

However, I also learned that waiting is the only way. It might feel dragging and frustrating, but it slowly takes you to where you should be. I realized that there’s no need to rush things, and it’s important to follow the process no matter how ugly it is.

I used to think that I have wasted my year by waiting, but my idle status was worth it, because I can already say that I’m finally doing okay. A lot more okay than in the previous months.

IV.
Still, nothing is certain. I’m still wondering where I should be next. But I carry all the things I’ve learned and realized over the past months with me as we open another calendar.

I am very thankful for the people who have been with me as I battle with myself. I probably would’ve lost my mind already if it wasn’t because of you all.

I look forward to a new year and I hope for a peace of mind and strength for all of us.

2020, and more.

I listed the things I wanted to do this year, but it seems like the world has something else planned for me. Suddenly, all the words I wrote lost all their meaning.

. . .

I have been fully aware that life is always unpredictable. However, I was pretty confident that I can live today without having so much worries about the days that are coming. I always feel like I can picture out what’s going to happen in weeks, or even a month. But of course, some things are beyond our control, even when we’ve planned them already.

When the year started, I’ve had so much hope in me that this would be a good year—my year.

Maybe at some point, it did became my year, as countless times I’ve seen the sun shine at my direction, giving me warmth I didn’t expect I’d feel. Each meter forward is a progress for me, for someone who’s always afraid to let my foot take a step. Each happening has a lesson to be kept and learned. Each person met has left a special place inside my memory machine.

And I’m very thankful for them.

However, I can’t not address the fact that this year is a whirlwind of too much sadness and anxiety. I couldn’t count the days I slept late for overthinking and bad dreams. For quite some time, I wished to feel numb, to not close my eyes again, as nightmares would come visit me as I put myself to rest.

I only wish for the next waves to be calmer, peaceful as wind caresses my face. Let me bask under the sun, or rain even, without fear of letting go of feelings and people. Let each day be another day full of hope instead of it being another day waking up without renewed enthusiasm.

And I know it’s never gonna be easy, but I’ll always hope for better days.

And more. Always more.

how i went blonde without bleach

I’ve always wanted to try dyeing my hair with hues that are more vibrant than what I usually go for (which is brown), but since I have thin hair, I’m afraid of losing my crowning glory because of bleaching (lol).

my hair color (as of Aug 2019) before dyeing!!

Which is why I was delighted when my friend, Merle, started out her online business beyoutyboutiqueph, a direct re-seller of Huenicorn, a PH-based store that sells hair dye products ranging from nonbleach to bleach dyes, allowing you to achieve your unicorn dreams, as well as other hair products such as shampoos, hair vitamins, and more.

Since I wanted to achieve blonde, she recommended me to use Beach Daze dye, in which I can already achieve the color without bleaching my hair first. The ingredients are 100% organic, so you won’t have to worry about your hair getting damaged.

BEACH DAZE COMPLETE DYE SET (450php): (from left to right) Keratin Repair Mask, Color Developer, Beach Daze powdered dye, Virgin Coconut Oil, and Hair Vitamin Capsules (in front)

The dye set is composed of Beach Daze powdered dye and the Color Developer (both of which you need to achieve the color), and the hair care products, Keratin Repair Mask, Virgin Coconut Oil, and Hair Vitamins, that help maintain your hair’s smoothness and strength.

After mixing the color developer and powdered dye thoroughly, time for application! What I love about it is that it’s odorless and it’s not painful to the scalp. Also, the color is already visible in just 5 to 10 minutes. Since I wanted to achieve blonde blonde I let it stay in my hair for about 30-45 minutes.

After rinsing and drying my hair…

tadaaaaa

Verdict: 5/5

• I love the packaging; it’s like a potion or something. It’s very traditional, plus it’s less harm to the environment since it’s not made of packaging.
• My hair isn’t dry after rinsing, unlike the previous hair dyes I used in the past.
• The color was achieved even after a few minutes of applying on my hair.
• I will definitely use Huenicorn dye again; will probably try other colors (like pink or green, maybe?)

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BeYoutyBoutiquePH — Marikina-based store
@beyoutyboutiqueph on Instagram

Huenicorn
– 285 Alcal Bldg., Katipunan Ave. 
– P. Noval Sampaloc, Manila City ( LANDMARK WINGVIBE)
@hue.nicorn on Instagram

Pampering Day at Beauty Lab Whitening by Suaviss

We cannot deny the fact that Korean skin care has taken the world by storm, especially in the Philippines, where a lot of people aim to have fairer and clearer skin. Prior to this, Korean skin care clinics have bloomed in and out of the metro, catering to one’s skin and aesthetic needs.

There’s this one Korean skin clinic that only offers two treatments but both will surely address all your skin concerns. It’s the Beauty Lab Whitening by Suaviss located at the heart of Bonifacio Global City. I was able to visit it last February 6, and it was my first time trying out a skin care treatment which is why I got a little nervous and fidgety at first. Still, it was a fun experience for me.

I was able to try their Full Body Treatment, and like I mentioned earlier, they only have two treatments, the other one being the facial treatment.

So what makes Beauty Lab Whitening by Suaviss different from other skin whitening clinics?

Using the modern Korean technology, the full body whitening treatment by Suaviss Beauty Lab follows 4 beauty steps:

• Step 1: A full face and body exfoliation is done to cleanse your pores, lighten your dark areas, and remove dead skin cells. They use products all the way from Korea and are organic, so you need not to worry if you have sensitive skin;

• Step 2: A cream will be applied to your whole face and body. this preconditioning cream helps in preventing the formulation of melanin, resulting in moisturized and whitened skin;

• Step 3: This is the highlight of the whole treatment. you will have to stay inside a special “red room” called the R-630 Collagen Machine for 15 minutes. this is similar to a tanning machine, only this one, it makes your skin lighter and fairer. the red light helps in stimulating collagen, resulting in radiant, glowing skin.
• ALSO, The machine is 100% safe since it doesn’t have UV rays to harm your skin. And if you’re feeling a little claustrophobic, you don’t have to worry since the top portion of the machine is open, and their staff will be with you all throughout the treatment. (I wasn’t able to take photo of the machine, hehe.)

And last,

• Step 4: You will be asked to apply a post-conditioning cream to protect your skin and at the same time, allows it to absorb more nutrients.

Before the treatment starts, you will be asked to fill in the form for personal info. You also going to be asked about your skin treatment history, skin concerns, and more. after that, you are ready to go.

Once you’re inside the lab, you will be asked to remove your clothes and accessories. they will provide you disposable underwear and slippers as well as a clean robe for you to use during the treatment.

The Verdict: 5/5 stars

There is a slight visible change in the fairness of my skin after step 3. i also noticed that my skin became moisturized and softer (seeing that i have a dry and sensitive skin.). The treatment also got rid of the blackheads on my nose, something i’m really happy about lol. Of course if you want more visible results, multiple sessions is suggested.

Miss Glitter, as well as, the staffs are very accommodating. they never failed to assure me that the treatment is safe and there’s nothing to worry about.

For more information about the Beauty Lab, kindly check out their website: http://labwhite.com/

Beauty Lab Whitening by Suaviss
Unit 304, 3/F Bonifacio Stopover,
31st cor. 2nd Avenue, Rizal Drive
Bonifacio Global City, Taguig

Random Reads #2: Secrets for the Mad by Dodie Clark

Secrets for the Mad by Dodie Clark

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

First of all, I’d like to congratulate myself for finishing this book I got during Manila International Book Fair last month (it was a gift). Also, I’d been eyeing this book for, like, months in the bookstores before I finally had it in my hands, and managed to read a few pages.

The photographs and colored pages of songs captured my attention, yes, but I didn’t know that this book will make me cry my heart out upon reading page by page.

This is an open door to dodie’s life, and I have to warn you, you gotta be prepared because once you’re inside there’s no turning back. The book talks about her childhood, her insecurities, her heartbreaks, her mental health, hell, there’s even pages dedicated for cooking recipes. There’s a whole lot of confessions and feelings we can all relate into (and what makes us human), there are chunks of life lessons, of innocence, of kindness, a hole filled with darkness, madness, and insecurities, of sadness and loss, and I love the book for everything in it because these are the thing that make us real. That makes us human.

Much love and appreciation for dodie, her brave self, for sharing all of these to people.