i’ve been soaring high for the past four years. now all that i had left of my wings is a single, solitary feather.
i. all i could think of right now is the separation of buildings, and ride home, and laughter, and me. the past four years were a roller coaster ride together with the people i met and the things and experiences that are now i will tell as reminiscences. i couldn’t say that every single moment was a pure bliss, as storms came, fire raged, and tears flooded, too. we kept a facade that we’re a cold, hard wall but deep inside of us lies an empty, old house that needs to be reconstructed and repainted.
ii. the moment i found connection with languages, books, music, poetry, and art, i knew i have to keep them with me. my stay in the university allowed me to explore the universe of the things i’m fond of. that moment i knew that i’m sure it’s what i’m made for – to create art. to spill ink. to allow myself to find ways on how to get out of the black hole i’m in. to emphasize that feelings aren’t only feelings; they allow you to create something out of them.
and somehow, it made me feel i am home.
several people told me creating art is a waste of time but i keep trying my best to pretend i am deaf. in music i found connection and inspiration. in books i found myself being acquainted with fictional characters who somehow understand how i currently feel. lastly, in poetry and writing i found love and happiness i never thought i am capable of feeling.
i used to feel i was home; but now that the four years of stay has ended, i feel like a part of me has lost its way back to where it was supposed be.
iii. the air smells like the petrichor from a summer rain. it’s not helping, actually. it only helps my mind recall how everything started and how it ended just yesterday. i remember falling in love with thursdays and wishing for it to never end. i remember walking along the hallways hearing laughter and jokes, and even the yells of angry professors. i remember staying up late until 9 p.m. not because there are lots school works to do, but to hang out with friends and talk about all the frustrations. i remember meeting new people only a month ago, but they made it seem like i’ve been a part of their lives years ago. i remember small fights and sleepless nights. i remember going home teary-eyed as i thought of feelings and unknown future.
i remember everything as they are vivid in my mind.
i remember a lot that it won’t be easy to forget.
and i remember how things will change in just few more days.
iv. i’ve been soaring high for the past four years. now all the i am again is someone who is lost in a galaxy trying to find herself again.
and even if fear and sadness crawl up to my body, i know i’m gonna figure myself out again.
and i know you can, too.
Era Mae Gabrinez
Bachelor of Arts major in English
Polytechnic University of the Philippines
Cum Laude
perhaps — 