For months, I have kept a lot. Most of the time, I’m lost for words, but I tried to draft and summarize it here.
I.
To say that I hate this year is an understatement. You see, I have lost count of the times that I asked myself why things just don’t go my way this year. Every time I try to make things better for me, it seems like the world is pulling back all the good stuff and starts pouring me with heavy baggage that only piles up until I can no longer carry them. Every time I get a single glimpse of hope, I would get excited. And then suddenly, it’s no longer visible to me. It’s like a trick that that universe is making me play. It’s making me reach out for the train but when I’m almost there, it’s about to keep going until I can no longer see it with my eyes.
So, I have memorized the darkness. I have chanted my cries in my head at night like songs on my on-repeat playlist. I no longer lie to myself and pretend that I was okay, because it has been exhausting, orbiting in situations like this without even seeing a glimpse of stars or even a light that could let me out of this cycle.
II.
With that, I decided not to care anymore. It didn’t feel sad upon seeing people online having the time of their lives. It didn’t matter that I was feeling not enough. It didn’t matter I got rejected almost ten times. It didn’t matter that my chest feels as if it’s about to explode at any time of the day upon feeling anxious. It didn’t matter that I did nothing during the day, and question myself at night. It didn’t matter that I’m disappointing people… and myself. I’ve become immune in feeling nonchalant.
I have accepted how my life goes: to exist and to float. I feel like I have been floating for the past couple of months. Existing because I need to exist. I allowed myself to be carried by the waves of life, not minding what direction it leads me even when most of the time I feel like I wasn’t even moving.
And so, I continued to exist, and float. And wait.
III.
But waiting is the most excruciating part. Sometimes I feel like I’m only waiting for nothing. Sometimes I’m waiting for the waiting to finally end along with the sadness I feel.
However, I also learned that waiting is the only way. It might feel dragging and frustrating, but it slowly takes you to where you should be. I realized that there’s no need to rush things, and it’s important to follow the process no matter how ugly it is.
I used to think that I have wasted my year by waiting, but my idle status was worth it, because I can already say that I’m finally doing okay. A lot more okay than in the previous months.
IV.
Still, nothing is certain. I’m still wondering where I should be next. But I carry all the things I’ve learned and realized over the past months with me as we open another calendar.
I am very thankful for the people who have been with me as I battle with myself. I probably would’ve lost my mind already if it wasn’t because of you all.
I look forward to a new year and I hope for a peace of mind and strength for all of us.
perhaps — 